Lets see...What's in the news today?

Six dead after Calif. postal center shooting spree

What is it about sorting small envelopes for eight hours a day that makes people want to go on a rampage and kill all their co-workers? Seriously? Is it the federal holidays? Why the fuck DO I get Columbus day off anyways?

I think it must be the stamps. That weird saliva activated paste they use must cause you go completely ape shit if you sniff too much. Or perhaps it is just the shame of being fired from the USPS. I mean lets be serious for a moment: In order to be fired from this sort of job, you would have do something like shove a live badger into the sorting machine...in front of the boss...while making ethnic slurs...then rape the sadly mutilated, dead badger....everyday...for at least a year...probably two because you get the union to defend you for the first year.

Bush to Say 'America Is Addicted to Oil' in Talk

Thank you Captain Obvious! Why is this even news? I'm expecting the next headline on CNN to be "Bush to say 'Americans like candy' in Talk"

Hilton profit up 62 percent on room rate hikes

I'll let you insert your own joke here. Think of something clever, then show off by putting it in the comments. If it can somehow involve her little rat/dog, 50 bonus points!