Warning: I read this all after I was finished and I cannot believe how much just flowed out of my fingers at 3:30. I had written the first paragraph below and I was wondering what I was going to type when it just started pouring out. And once it started, it could not be stopped. Sorry it jumps around a lot and is a bit heavy. If you want coherent and light, you should read something else:)
I'm in Iowa again this week validating some software we are writing. Because we are working second shift, my schedule has been completely f-ed up this entire week. I feel like I've been living like a vampire or something.
Like I said, it is about 3 in the morning here, so naturally rather than go to sleep like a rational person would, I feel the need to decompress by taking another deep look into my mind and the way that my brain works again.
<annoying game show announcer voice>Thaaaaaat's right folks. Its time to play.... WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? /clap Today's topic: regrets.
</annoying game show announcer voice>
Despite what I like to consider my very care-free outward appearance, I have a deep running hidden streak of regret of all sorts of previous actions in my life. Without revealing specifics:
1) Stupid/Mean things I have said to friends.
2) Stupid/mean things I have said to friends while drunk
3) Cheating on a girlfriend
4) Telling someone I loved them just to get a kiss
5) Kissing and telling
6) Fucking and telling
7) Putting friends into uncomfortable situations because of my actions
8) Using and discarding a very nice younger girl to go back to a girl who was completely wrong.
8) Leading on girls for attention
10) Being mean to someone just to get attention
11) Didn't believe someone who told me about a forced sexual experience.
And those are just the things I can think of off the top of my head.
The worst thing about it is that most of the time I'm talking about things that happened 10 years ago. Why the fuck do I keep this guilt around for so long? When I finally do apologize for some of these things, the answer is usually, "Oh yeah, I had completely forgotten about that." So I'm carrying around this guilt and regret for nothing?! THANKS ASS!
But of course, for every rule like the above you need an exception. Mine is #8 & #11. I may never forgive myself for either one of those. sigh... I chatted with #8 semi-recently, and at least in her case I can positively say that my guilt is 100% deserved. I would say I am sorry again, but what's the use? It doesn't change that fact that I almost single-handily destroyed a young woman's trust of men. As for #11, she mentioned recently that I was the only person she ever confided that secret in before that moment. I'm sure that my reaction directly contributed to many of her later issues with trust, betrayal, and commitment.
You know that whole thing about love making you blind? Well, I can tell you that it always does for me. That's what lead to #8 in the first place. Sue may be angry at me for saying this, but I have been in love with at least 3 different women in my life so far. Real, blinding, I cannot explain the way I feel, I would step in front a bus for them, Princess Bride "wuv, truuu wuv" sort of love. The sort where I was planning a life together. Looking back on the first two, I can say with 100% confidence that it could never work (duh moron: The fact you are not with them pretty much means it did not work). Both were 100% the opposite of what I really want my partner in life to be. But at the time, no argument could change my outlook, no amount of motherly nagging could make me see the truth, and the fact that some truly wonderful women were right in front of my face made no difference what so ever.
Is it a rule that everyone has to date one person in high school who will do significant damage to their ability to commit to someone later in life ? Is that like something that the school counselors set up? I swear that everyone I know had this experience. Hell, I'm disturbed by the number of women I personally know who had a really bad sexual-related experience growing up (its easily north of 50%). What the FUCK is wrong with so many people?????
12 years ago
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1 comment:
I have to agree with you, Eric: a lot of people nowadays are a lot more fucked up due to pretty much anything that can go wrong in someone's life.
The reason being, I believe, is that there is so much more sex and violence pervasive in today's society. Sure, that makes me sound like an old geezer, but it's true.
Think back to the 50s. How many people would be suffering the problems a lot of us do now? Probably not so much.
Not to say that people back then didn't have problems, but the problems are different now. People are fucked up.
I've done a few of the things that you've listed, too. Lied for sex, stayed in relationships for sex - seriously, who hasn't? - and have also felt so enamored with previous girls that I definitely would have thought to have a future with them. Similarly, looking back, it would have never worked.
This shit happens to everybody, man. Like Ryan said, just don't torture yourself over it. We all make mistakes when we're young and stupid.
This is how we grow and improve upon ourselves. There are some pathetic people out there who cannot even acknowledge or recognize their own mistakes. They never get better.
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