CAVE'MON! Part 1

The rich crazy robot guy I talked about a few posts ago held his annual "Cave'mon" event at his ranch in Texas this weekend and yours truly attended with about 8 guys from work, plus the guy’s brother and few local friends. It’s an annual event where we separate the men from the boys here in the developers group (which is the group I work for).

The details are a little hazy because I may have consumed my weight in alcohol and bar snacks this weekend, but the chronology went something like this. I’m only writing for Friday today. Saturday will have to wait for another post.

10:00am – Get a call from my boss and my buddy Adam that they are at the Northwest Lounge at the airport and already drinking. Adam claims the boss has already had 4:) I feel left out because I’m on a later flight, but let it slide.

6:00pm – Land in Dallas. Call Adam to get a ride to the hotel. They are already in the bar and he informs me he has had 13 drinks today since his last call. I’m going to have to do some catching up and get my own ride to the bar…

~7:00pm – There are 7 of us at the bar. I’ve had ½ a pitcher of beer (which I drank straight from the pitcher because we were low on cups), 2 Jager Bombs, and a jack and coke in the span of 15 minutes. Oh, and I haven’t eaten since noon. Buzz is going good.

~7:30pm – Head to Bone Daddies, a Hooters-like bar in Dallas. I ordered their Beer Can Chicken, which they describe as “slow smoked, whole marinated chicken, 'violated' with a beer can…”. See that part in bold? They aren’t kidding. They brought me a small chicken with a beer can shoved all the way into the ass end. Sort of like…actually, I can’t think of anything it is like. You can just barely see it in the upper right corner of the first image on this page if you are really curious.

We order some monstrous beers and continue drinking.

~7:45pm – On a dare, I ask the waitress her cup size. She lies. “D”. Yea right!

~9:00pm – Of course, someone insists we see some strippers. One of the guys knows a place nearby that is BYOB (in Texas you can either have all nude girls, or you can serve alcohol, but not both). After a quick stop to get rid of the one guy who can resist strippers (easy when you don't drink cheater!) and another at a gas station for some cheap beer, we are ready to see some naked ladies!

~10:00pm – This part's a bit of blur, but I will say this: If a few strippers find out that you have guys with you that think dropping $400 dollars in a night is no big deal, your table will get a LOT of attention. And apparently all those rules about not touching the strippers only apply if you are not giving out $20s like they’re M&Ms. In the next 3 1/2 hours, we 6 consume a bottle of Jager and at least 30 beers.

~10:15pm – Get first lap dance from my boss while he watches. That’s not uncomfortable. Nope, not at all. Moving on…

~12:00am – My boss Steve has disappeared with a stripper who was doing things I am pretty sure are illegal right in front of me. I have no idea where he is. I assume he is upstairs in the VIP room. I won't see him again until tomorrow morning.

~12:10am –A stripper is sitting on my lap telling me her life story despite the fact that I told her right when she sat down that I had no intention of getting a lap dance. Somehow she becomes less sexy when she tells me she has two kids and is NOT working her way through college. Come on hon! Keep up the fantasy for me just a little, all right?

~1:00am – A stripper starts making the rounds around our table who likes to twist nipples. And I mean TWIST! Fucken’a bitch! Who the fuck told you that was sexy? Cause its not! My nipples were still sore two days later. Somehow despite seeing her do it several times, we all fall victim to her.

~2:00am – Nipple twister feels bad for the pain inflicted (plus she’s just waiting for the guys with real money to return to the table), so she sits on my leg and decides to gives me advice on how to please a girl. I remember telling her "I don't need advice, I'm already the best lay you've ever met", but she tells me stuff anyways. For someone who like to twists nipples as hard as that crazy chick did, I was surprised that her answer to everything was be gentle.

~2:30am – We finally call it a night. I know we have dropped at least $600 in this place between the 7 guys we have out. And 2 of us only got one lap dance each at $20, so you do the math…

~2:45am – Get back to the hotel room. Adam asks me how to get to the stairs even though his room is on the ground floor. I stumbled into bed thinking, “Fuck! We have cave’mon events tomorrow at 9:00am and I’ll be lucky if I show up with both shoes on.”

Tomorrow: Separating the men from the boys with crazy events!