Before heading off to whatever New Years Eve celebration you have planned, remember these immortal words of that most inspirational of bands, Sprung Monkey:
Party like a rockstar, kick a little ass!
Rock it like a pornstar, slap a little ass!
(see crazy money fantasy from Dude Where's my Car? if you have no idea what I am talking about)
SNL last weekend was hilarious because Justin Timberlake was the host and musical guest. This is his second time on the show and it rocked!! The funniest part was this video. It is hilarious!! I even put it in my Myspace.
Your tax dollars hard at work: Barney's Holiday Extravaganza
You know what's really scary about this video? I'm not 100% sure that Bush knows that the dog he is talking to ISN'T GOING TO RESPOND.
The Daily Show's version is way better: Barney's Holiday Extravaganza - The Daily Show Version
Side note: Notice that they never say the cat's name? There is a good reason for this. The cat's name is "India", which caused quite the little party in India a few years ago. Apparently some folks there don't like the President naming something that poops in the box, spits up fur, and could easily be punted 50 yards after their country.
The risks of ransacking a nativity scene (SFW)
I know I have a truly sick sense of humor because I laughed at this so hard a little Pepsi came out of my nose:)
 | Today our fluffy dog Bob is five! Yeah Bob! He grows more and more white hairs as he ages and now he has a little white soul patch under his chin! It is awesome!! |
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Detroit Free Press - Racy Green Oak mall displays stir up protests
Saw this on the news the other day and I just had to say something. I live within ten minutes of the mall mentioned in this article, so it caught my attention when a group of folks from one of the local churchs started protesting the display in the window of the mall's Victoria Secret.
I don't understand the concept of protesting against underwear displays. You seem to be implying that underwear of and by itself is somehow evil. Aren't you sort of giving the impression to young impressionable girls that they should avoid underwear altogether? Hey, if that is your message I'm all for it:) Maybe I'll show up this weekend with a big sign that reads, "Looking at underwear may make you sin. Avoid the temptation and don't wear any!" I bet the ladies from Holy Spirit would love that:)
Moreover, I don't understand what the big deal is about seeing women's underwear on a mannequin. Did someone walk by the store and think, "Oh my God look! You can see all the way to that mannequin's mold seam. Someone should do something about that!"
Trying to link seeing underwear in a store window with women's dignity is insane. Hey! If you want to wear granny panties all the time, that's your choice. Don't ruin it for the rest of us!
CNN: Mixed reaction to Cheney's daughter's pregnancy
For those unaware, the Vice President's daughter Mary Cheney announced Wednesday that she is pregnant. Normally that would be a huge press opportunity, with the expectant mother brought out into the Rose Garden so everyone can comment on her "glow" (whatever the f#%k that is. The only people I've ever seen glow are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) and congratulate her for being so fertile and all that, not to mention trip over themselves telling the VP how to clean up baby spit-up off a Halliburton tie. What a wonderful picture...
Sadly, it's not to be. You see, the vice presidents daughter is...<looks around to make sure no one is listening and whispers>....gay.
That's right. A lesbian. A lesbo. A carpet-licker if you will.
So what would normally be an event that the press and white house would be positively wetting themselves over is now something that moral conservatives can comment on so they can appear even more heartless than usual. And as is always the case whenever anyone tries to defend why exactly gay couples shouldn't be allowed to love and marry like us straight folk, they resort to some truly horrible logic:
Janice Crouse of Concerned Women for America described the pregnancy as "unconscionable" and said "It's very disappointing that a celebrity couple like this would deliberately bring into the world a child that will never have a father. They are encouraging people who don't have the advantages they have."
I see. So if you are a gay couple with connections and money, we don't think you getting pregnant is an issue. We are just concerned that you might convince some poorer, less connected lesbians to follow in your footsteps. We can't have that! Ah...right...
Focus on the Family's Carrie Gordon Earll had this gem to share: "Just because you can conceive a child outside a one-woman, one-man marriage doesn't mean it's a good idea. Love can't replace a mother and a father."
That's your logic? If you have to choose between two people being in love raising a child and two people who don't love each other but happen to have a different number of orifices, you would go with option B? Cause that's the way I read that sentence. I know I haven't been on this planet all that long, but I saw enough truly horrible parenting growing up that I know that simply putting a penis and vagina in the same house does not result in well-adjusted, happy children.
Because they will sometimes IM you things like this:
"Your code no longer doesn't not fail."
http://www.spraykondom.de/spraykondom/info01.php
(sorry, in German, but you get the idea)
rated T for teen (mildly nsfw due to condom shenanigans)
So, um... spray on condoms? Wow, that'll test your trust of latex rubber.
My super-powers include:
- consuming my weight in caffeine
- Starting 4 home projects around midnight and finishing nothing.
- Writing my best code between 1:00am and 3:00am.
- Sending out code updates at 3:30am and having them work the next day!
- Resisting the urge to make purchases of things sold at 4:00am on TV.
- Getting up 5 hours later and working again.
- Withstanding the mind-crushing pain of my caffeine withdrawal headache this morning with more caffeine.
CNN: First daughter's purse swiped, source said
Nice work there secret service guys. This is the crack squad defending our leaders?
FDA: Tamiflu patients need monitoring
The FDA is adding a new warning label to Tamiflu, a drug used to reduce the effects of the flu. The new labels warns to look for signs of "delirium, hallucinations and other unusual psychiatric behavior" in people taking the drug after more than 100 cases were reported in Japan.
Awesome!
So now in addition to feeling great because your flu symptoms have been significantly reduced, you get the added benefit of disconnecting from reality?!?!?! What more could I ask for from a drug? This would be like finding out that alchohol also reduces your chances of getting pregent. You can't ask for a better combo!
Ladies and gentlemen of the blogsphere rejoice. Eric is back with another "ramblings of the head" (tm) post!
<waits for thunderous applause to die down>
All the standard disclaimer apply. This is my thoughts and opinions alone. No one's elses. Get your own opinions you sheep:) If you are looking for funny or amusing you're reading the wrong post.
Sue doesn't label them as such, but she has managed to write the last couple rambling posts on our blog. And I've been secretly (why does that word not look right no matter how I spell it?) jealous of all the comments and rage her posts manage to bring out.
My turn.
I know I've brought this up with a few people, so I'm sorry that you have to read it here again. Don't think I'm attacking or picking on you in any way.
A while ago I wrote a post about things I regret doing in my life. What I found most interesting about that post was the reaction I got. Several people reacted something like this:
"Eric, you shouldn't regret the things you done. Don't carry all that baggage around. You're a good person. We all love you."
Each one told me some version of this. Different people emphasized different parts of that statement, but more or less that was everyone's reaction. In every case, I had the same thought:
<angry buzzer sounds> Ohhhhh I'm sorry. That answer is incorrect.
The point of that post was not to ask for forgiveness. It wasn't about disliking myself. Or about me feeling like my life would be better if I didn't regret these actions. Or thinking that I'm not a good person because of all these things I've done.
Everyone one of those thoughts was missing the point. Are you ready for the point? Ok here it is: Those regrets offer a window into me. The inner me. The me that thinks about the things he has done, wishes he could do them differently, then shrugs his shoulders and thinks that at least this regret means I have a chance at doing a better job in future.
That's why I carry this regret around. Because if I didn't, every one of those actions would be just as likely today as they were when I choose them on the first go around. I'm wiser now then I was at 17, but that wisdom was earned with this regret. I carry them with me to remind me of what could be every time I make a decision like that without thinking.
I don't WANT to lose my regrets. In some very important ways, they are who I am. Or at least who I aspire to be.
Sue : "You only take E when you need to and you need to!!" Dance for Life - Tiesto: Cause I am listening to it.
Sue : U of M foozeball sucks balls! Go OSU!
We are drunk! Absolut rocks out lives! Wow, I can't believe Sue knows how to spell Absolut.
Spinning in circles is not good when drunk.
WAIT!
Jay and Silent Bob rulez! Especially when drunk!
WAIT!
STOP TYPING WAIT!
Paul, you should write a drunk blog. Its easy! First you get drunk. Then you log into blogger. Then you type stuff.
Sue is blowing the dog's mind right now by rave dancing with her.
Sue : "Save this so that later Eric and I can shoot each other and f$%! like stoned test bunnies!"
Sue : According to Myspace, half of my high school class has lesbian tendencies. Guess I did not catch on to that train.
Me: Too bad.... Although Sue did mention that she would like to double team Eliza Dushku with me. WHICH IS AWESOME!
Sue: This cartoon RULES!!
When last joined our heroes, they were tied for first place against the evil Team B on the way to Mike's ranch house. And for this final installment, we bring you the magic of ....color photos! Yes, thanks to some tremendous advancements of science, for the first time you will be able to read AND SEE our heroes as they compete for glory!
Our heroes after winning the first event. As it was in ancient times, fake fur vests are worn by the team who won the last event.
VICTORY!
This is a continuation of my Cavemon Part I post from Monday. I would encourage you to read that first so you can be in the right state of mind for how much this morning hurt:
When we last joined our hero of this story, he had stumbled into bed thinking, "Fuck! We have cave'mon events tomorrow at 9:00am and I'll be lucky if I show up with both shoes on."
Dare I say, what a hook! I know you have all been waiting breathlessly for what sort of physical games developers dream up. Well, wait no longer!
Cave'mon Day 2!
7:00am - Cell phone rings. I wake up in a panic, assuming I've overslept and race for the phone. Its Sue calling me on the way home. Sue had assumed I would turn my phone off. Internally I think this is Karma punishing me for my actions last night. Two seconds after hanging the phone up I'm sound asleep again.
8:30am - Real wake up call. Oh god. The light! She burns my eyes! Seriously consider killing the man who invented the telephone ring.
9:00am - I've somehow made it to the lobby on time, where no one is looking all that happy. We are all staring at each other deciding on what if anything we should comment on from last night.
They have a breakfest bar. I curse it. Food and me are not on speaking terms at this point. Even that 20oz of Cola and I are arguing, but we stay together for the sake of the kids.
9:30am - Robot guy Mike arrives with a few more folks. Adam lends me some extra jogging pants he had because I all I brought are jeans. I send the rest of the day in another man's pants (and get a constant ribbing for it).
Mike has folks draw names to create teams for the events. I'm paired with my boss Steve. Just to set the picture, Steve is a pretty big guy (say 220 lbs) in his 40s. He's wearing one of those skin tight Under Armour shorts, a fleece, and a skin tight cap. The image of him in those shorts still haunts my dreams.
10:00am - Time for some events! All our events are designed so that the really athletic young guys don't have too much of an advantage over the 40 year old guys who's only exercise is chasing 9 year old children. We have a total of 5 teams. For each event we gave 5 points for first, 3 for second, and 1 for first.
First up is "wack a ball". Each team member hits a golf ball and whiffle ball off a tee. Farthest combined distance wins. However, the twist is that for golf, the ball is placed on top of one of those small traffic cones and for tee ball, the tee is set up for 5 year olds. Nothing like watching a guy who has a 1 under par average try to hit a golf ball that is raised up a foot off the ground instead of the usual 1/2 inch. We broke a LOT of cones:)
Steve has the longest golf drive by far, and I had the longest tee ball shot, so we easily win this event. 5 points for the good guys!
10:30am - Next event is a sort-of-cross between discus and the hammer toss. Mike had a tied a large ten lb weight to a 2 foot ski rope. You spun around however you wanted and threw the weight. We sucked at this event. Zero points.
11:00am - Next event is a relay event. Three cones set up in a triangle, each 60 feet apart. At each cone there is either a football, frisbee, or softball. You can't run with a ball, so you relay around the cones by throwing the balls back and forth until you pass the next cone. You then switch to the item at that cone. If you drop the ball, you both have to return the cone you are throwing from. First team with both guys around wins. Steve and I also won this event (mostly do to the fact that we never dropped a ball). 10 points for us now.
11:30am - Next is a wagon race (sort of). Same cone configuration. At the first cone is a wagon. Second has a dolly, and third a wheel barrel. And you had to switch puller and pullee at least once. We got trounced in this event (imagine me trying to pull a 220 guy in a wagon).
12:00pm - Time for a break from all this running. After a quick stop at the bar for some snacking (the really brave guys go for beer too. Beer and I are currently not friends due to something beer said about my mom last night), we switch to retarded bowling. Retarded bowling is just like regular bowling except you have to switch the hand you bowl with on every throw.
Its much, much harder then it sounds. First game I bowled a 68! I haven't bowled that low since I was 10. By the second game I had sort of figured it out and managed to throw a 128, which was enough to secure 3rd for us. I think it helped that I started drinking about half way through the first game. At the end of 5 events Steve and I are tied with another team for first place.
2:00pm - Lunch at Hooters (come on, are you really surprised?). This was the best Hooters I have ever been in if you are considering the quality of the ladies only. As always, the food was so-so.
A couple of models from their 2007 calendar were there signing copies. I have to admit that I've never seen a 6'2" blonde model in person. The effect was more intimidating then sexy:) 2 more beers and we are off to Mike's cabin.
I think this blog is already too long, so we'll have to wait and see if the dynamic duo of Steve and Eric can win it all next time!
The rich crazy robot guy I talked about a few posts ago held his annual "Cave'mon" event at his ranch in Texas this weekend and yours truly attended with about 8 guys from work, plus the guy’s brother and few local friends. It’s an annual event where we separate the men from the boys here in the developers group (which is the group I work for).
The details are a little hazy because I may have consumed my weight in alcohol and bar snacks this weekend, but the chronology went something like this. I’m only writing for Friday today. Saturday will have to wait for another post.
10:00am – Get a call from my boss and my buddy Adam that they are at the Northwest Lounge at the airport and already drinking. Adam claims the boss has already had 4:) I feel left out because I’m on a later flight, but let it slide.
6:00pm – Land in Dallas. Call Adam to get a ride to the hotel. They are already in the bar and he informs me he has had 13 drinks today since his last call. I’m going to have to do some catching up and get my own ride to the bar…
~7:00pm – There are 7 of us at the bar. I’ve had ½ a pitcher of beer (which I drank straight from the pitcher because we were low on cups), 2 Jager Bombs, and a jack and coke in the span of 15 minutes. Oh, and I haven’t eaten since noon. Buzz is going good.
~7:30pm – Head to Bone Daddies, a Hooters-like bar in Dallas. I ordered their Beer Can Chicken, which they describe as “slow smoked, whole marinated chicken, 'violated' with a beer can…”. See that part in bold? They aren’t kidding. They brought me a small chicken with a beer can shoved all the way into the ass end. Sort of like…actually, I can’t think of anything it is like. You can just barely see it in the upper right corner of the first image on this page if you are really curious.
We order some monstrous beers and continue drinking.
~7:45pm – On a dare, I ask the waitress her cup size. She lies. “D”. Yea right!
~9:00pm – Of course, someone insists we see some strippers. One of the guys knows a place nearby that is BYOB (in Texas you can either have all nude girls, or you can serve alcohol, but not both). After a quick stop to get rid of the one guy who can resist strippers (easy when you don't drink cheater!) and another at a gas station for some cheap beer, we are ready to see some naked ladies!
~10:00pm – This part's a bit of blur, but I will say this: If a few strippers find out that you have guys with you that think dropping $400 dollars in a night is no big deal, your table will get a LOT of attention. And apparently all those rules about not touching the strippers only apply if you are not giving out $20s like they’re M&Ms. In the next 3 1/2 hours, we 6 consume a bottle of Jager and at least 30 beers.
~10:15pm – Get first lap dance from my boss while he watches. That’s not uncomfortable. Nope, not at all. Moving on…
~12:00am – My boss Steve has disappeared with a stripper who was doing things I am pretty sure are illegal right in front of me. I have no idea where he is. I assume he is upstairs in the VIP room. I won't see him again until tomorrow morning.
~12:10am –A stripper is sitting on my lap telling me her life story despite the fact that I told her right when she sat down that I had no intention of getting a lap dance. Somehow she becomes less sexy when she tells me she has two kids and is NOT working her way through college. Come on hon! Keep up the fantasy for me just a little, all right?
~1:00am – A stripper starts making the rounds around our table who likes to twist nipples. And I mean TWIST! Fucken’a bitch! Who the fuck told you that was sexy? Cause its not! My nipples were still sore two days later. Somehow despite seeing her do it several times, we all fall victim to her.
~2:00am – Nipple twister feels bad for the pain inflicted (plus she’s just waiting for the guys with real money to return to the table), so she sits on my leg and decides to gives me advice on how to please a girl. I remember telling her "I don't need advice, I'm already the best lay you've ever met", but she tells me stuff anyways. For someone who like to twists nipples as hard as that crazy chick did, I was surprised that her answer to everything was be gentle.
~2:30am – We finally call it a night. I know we have dropped at least $600 in this place between the 7 guys we have out. And 2 of us only got one lap dance each at $20, so you do the math…
~2:45am – Get back to the hotel room. Adam asks me how to get to the stairs even though his room is on the ground floor. I stumbled into bed thinking, “Fuck! We have cave’mon events tomorrow at 9:00am and I’ll be lucky if I show up with both shoes on.”
Tomorrow: Separating the men from the boys with crazy events!
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