Typical Day in My Inbox

Unlike most everyone on the planet, I have had the same email address for the last 9 years. In my more naive days, I used to post my email address with most of my posts to newsgroups, web logs, or whatever else I was accessing on the web. These two facts mean that any glance at my inbox is very disturbing. Its disturbing not just for the quantity of spam I receive in a given 8 hour period (164 today), but also for the contents on those emails. I thought a quick browse through just the subject lines might be enough to prove my point.

"Earn your degree online All degre (their spelling, not mine) levels, wide range of majors."

I get about 10 of these every 8 hours. I have a degree, but thanks. And if I didn't, I don't think my employer would be impressed with a university that consists of a computer and a laser printer. My office at home is a university if that is the only criteria.

"You can save up to 70% on <insert some drug that increases erections> !"

I get about 30 of these every 8 hours. Hmmmm... yes, buying prescription drugs that can increase my risk of a heart attack, stroke, and blindness from someone I will never see or have never met DOES sound like a good idea. Not to mention the chance of having an erection for 12 hours straight.

"SPERMAMAX does not increase Dihydrotestosterone or show any incident of gynomasticia."

Thank God you told me that in the subject line. Because next to Avian Flu and Bears, that was my number one concern in life right now...

"Indulge your wife all the year round with Generik Viagra."

See now, that just unprofessional. You send all this money to rent an illegal zombie bot network to send out millions of spam, and you can't take the time to spell check your offerings? Sorry, but that sort of spotty attention to detail just turns me right off to whatever you are offering.

"Very sad German statistics say in average"

Uh...ok...


The rest are really too graphic to even post here. Lets just say they nearly all match the following template:

<male fantasy girl> <verb that describes something perverse> <some thing to stuff into a person that may or may not be sanitary> <some place to stuff things in>

Trust me when I say you don't want to read them.

Moving on Up (in this case, North)

I've gotten a new software engineering job with a company in Michigan and I have agreed to take it. An old buddy of mine from my last job recommended me and we just could not turn down their offer.

I've lived in Alabama 4 years almost to the day now. Most of it has actually been really great (despite what the name of my blog domain might otherwise imply). Lots of new friends, great job, great coworkers, and new career for my wife. It feels odd to say that I may even miss it a bit.

My start date is March 20, and I have 6 months or so to make the move. So we will be here a bit longer until we can manage to sell my house. In the mean time, its time to drink, celebrate, and revel in our return to four distinct seasons.

Nod if you agree

I'm having one of those days where all the other developers around me actually look like they moving in slow motion because of how much work I can accomplish in a single hour. I love days like this:) This site sums it up.

http://smartest.ytmnd.com/

I Heart Sue Wilson

F-ing Work

Good god it has been a while between posts.

We are getting down to the wire here on my current project. I HATE this part of my job. All the stress of delivering a high quality product on time really makes me an unpleasent person to be around.

For one thing, there is the whole issue of telling people to get the fuck out of my office. Most days, I just go with it. People need to relieve stress or point out funny things on the web or whatever. But when I under the gun for a delivery, every second of the day seems precious (In case you are wondering, I'm writing this while compiling my executable, not just wasting time). I've come up with the following system to get people out during those times:

Stage 1) Wear large headphones. You don't have to listen to anything on them. Just wear them. With headphones, you can always pretend you aren't listening when they yell for you to come see something. Stage one will only deter the most worthless of conversations and then only with the people too lazy to even get up and come to your office. If someone overcomes this first hurdle, it's time for Stage 2:

Stage 2) Step 2 is all about minimizing the ability of the conversation to continue.

* Continue to do exactly what you were doing when the person comes into your office: typing, filing, eating, rubbing your head while you pat your stomach, whatever. The point is, what you are doing is very important and you can't be bothered with their stupid conversation enough to actually devote more than your brain stem to it

* Answer in the shortest number of syllabes possible. Try some of the following: "Yes", "No", "Cool", "Neat", "Thanks", "Penguin", "doh", "hm...", and "That sucks", (or just "Sucks" if you are really into it). You get the idea.

If those don't work, you have to move on to Stage 3.

Stage 3:

* Stop making any eye contact at all. Go back to working on whatever you were working on before they came in. Typing is very effective here. That clicking noise acts as a constant reminder that you don't care about whatever the person is talking about. No really. I don't care. Seriously. Can't you literally hear me not caring? What the fuck is wrong with you?!?!?!

So that's my system. Anyone have any other ideas?

Lets see...What's in the news today?

Six dead after Calif. postal center shooting spree

What is it about sorting small envelopes for eight hours a day that makes people want to go on a rampage and kill all their co-workers? Seriously? Is it the federal holidays? Why the fuck DO I get Columbus day off anyways?

I think it must be the stamps. That weird saliva activated paste they use must cause you go completely ape shit if you sniff too much. Or perhaps it is just the shame of being fired from the USPS. I mean lets be serious for a moment: In order to be fired from this sort of job, you would have do something like shove a live badger into the sorting machine...in front of the boss...while making ethnic slurs...then rape the sadly mutilated, dead badger....everyday...for at least a year...probably two because you get the union to defend you for the first year.

Bush to Say 'America Is Addicted to Oil' in Talk

Thank you Captain Obvious! Why is this even news? I'm expecting the next headline on CNN to be "Bush to say 'Americans like candy' in Talk"

Hilton profit up 62 percent on room rate hikes

I'll let you insert your own joke here. Think of something clever, then show off by putting it in the comments. If it can somehow involve her little rat/dog, 50 bonus points!

Funny

Funny WoW Comic.

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=134

Actually, I just discovered this gamers comic today. It is GREAT!

3AM Ramblings

Warning: I read this all after I was finished and I cannot believe how much just flowed out of my fingers at 3:30. I had written the first paragraph below and I was wondering what I was going to type when it just started pouring out. And once it started, it could not be stopped. Sorry it jumps around a lot and is a bit heavy. If you want coherent and light, you should read something else:)

I'm in Iowa again this week validating some software we are writing. Because we are working second shift, my schedule has been completely f-ed up this entire week. I feel like I've been living like a vampire or something.

Like I said, it is about 3 in the morning here, so naturally rather than go to sleep like a rational person would, I feel the need to decompress by taking another deep look into my mind and the way that my brain works again.

<annoying game show announcer voice>Thaaaaaat's right folks. Its time to play.... WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? /clap Today's topic: regrets.
</annoying game show announcer voice>

Despite what I like to consider my very care-free outward appearance, I have a deep running hidden streak of regret of all sorts of previous actions in my life. Without revealing specifics:

1) Stupid/Mean things I have said to friends.
2) Stupid/mean things I have said to friends while drunk
3) Cheating on a girlfriend
4) Telling someone I loved them just to get a kiss
5) Kissing and telling
6) Fucking and telling
7) Putting friends into uncomfortable situations because of my actions
8) Using and discarding a very nice younger girl to go back to a girl who was completely wrong.
8) Leading on girls for attention
10) Being mean to someone just to get attention
11) Didn't believe someone who told me about a forced sexual experience.

And those are just the things I can think of off the top of my head.

The worst thing about it is that most of the time I'm talking about things that happened 10 years ago. Why the fuck do I keep this guilt around for so long? When I finally do apologize for some of these things, the answer is usually, "Oh yeah, I had completely forgotten about that." So I'm carrying around this guilt and regret for nothing?! THANKS ASS!

But of course, for every rule like the above you need an exception. Mine is #8 & #11. I may never forgive myself for either one of those. sigh... I chatted with #8 semi-recently, and at least in her case I can positively say that my guilt is 100% deserved. I would say I am sorry again, but what's the use? It doesn't change that fact that I almost single-handily destroyed a young woman's trust of men. As for #11, she mentioned recently that I was the only person she ever confided that secret in before that moment. I'm sure that my reaction directly contributed to many of her later issues with trust, betrayal, and commitment.

You know that whole thing about love making you blind? Well, I can tell you that it always does for me. That's what lead to #8 in the first place. Sue may be angry at me for saying this, but I have been in love with at least 3 different women in my life so far. Real, blinding, I cannot explain the way I feel, I would step in front a bus for them, Princess Bride "wuv, truuu wuv" sort of love. The sort where I was planning a life together. Looking back on the first two, I can say with 100% confidence that it could never work (duh moron: The fact you are not with them pretty much means it did not work). Both were 100% the opposite of what I really want my partner in life to be. But at the time, no argument could change my outlook, no amount of motherly nagging could make me see the truth, and the fact that some truly wonderful women were right in front of my face made no difference what so ever.

Is it a rule that everyone has to date one person in high school who will do significant damage to their ability to commit to someone later in life ? Is that like something that the school counselors set up? I swear that everyone I know had this experience. Hell, I'm disturbed by the number of women I personally know who had a really bad sexual-related experience growing up (its easily north of 50%). What the FUCK is wrong with so many people?????

Great bumper stickers for the New Year!

You can buy these and other great stickers at http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/stickers.html

They have some great stickers and other fun things. This site makes me happy... I need the Flying Spaghetti Moster one.

Fun Links for your almost Weekend

History of C History of VB

Very funny explanations of how these languages got to where they are now.

Piehole

Hilarious blog by a Seattle girl who claims to be a "Professional Drunk Blogger". Her post for today is an excellent example of why you should read this one:

I think I drank about four THOUSAND espresso shots today... Now I have restless leg syndrome. And restless arm syndrome. And ADHD.

And I don't think I can write anything else now because I have to go walk over there. And tremble. And talk about 4 different subjects* all at the same time to some confused people.
* Puppies, plywood blocking, travel itineraries, and Chaka Khan.

Steve, Don't Eat It!

Steve eats things you seen in the store that you have always wondered why the fuck anyone would eat them, then writes absolutely hilarious reviews.

Here is a preview for Beggin' Strips:

Beggin' Strips slogan is "Dog's don't know it's not bacon!" Newsflash: Dogs are retarded. Mine used to eat his own vomit, and wag his tail while he did it. I'll be the one to decide if this stuff tastes like bacon or not.

I know these snacks aren't made for human consumption, but while I was in the store the ingredients list looked pretty tame so I wasn't too concerned. Somehow I had missed one extremely dubious word sitting there all by itself. "MEAT". That's all it says... meat.

Meat is a pretty large umbrella. Beef is meat. Pork is meat. Horses, monkeys, and allegedly Arby's roast beef are meat. Even Rosie O'Donnell's ball sack is meat. Okay, maybe I've gone too far. I have no idea what that is they are serving at Arby's, but you get my point.

Recommended Pants

Usually I am a big fan of Amazon.com's recommendations. They help me find music and books that I will enjoy based on other things I have rated and purchased. However, the system is not 100% perfect. Case in point, the image below. I swear to you that I have not doctored this image in any way except the highlight in red (you might have to click on the image to be able to read it):

Stupid Munchkin

Sue bought me Munchkin 4: The Need for Steed for Christmas, but had to give me a picture of the game only due to a delay in shipping. I found out today that the game has been delayed until February. Damn Steve Jackson for making such an addicting game! I need the precious new cards. NOW!

Thank you for dating the Movie Phone Guy

My life is rated NC-17!



What is your life rated? (MPAA Scale)

Hilarious WoW movie

You have to have played World of Warcraft for this one to be funny:)

FROST SHOCK!

The Wilson's are back...ALRIGHT!

We are back in Alabama after a great trip back home to Michigan to see family and friends for the holidays. We were up there from Dec. 29th until Jan 8th. We saw all of the family to have a late Christmas with them all and drank Slurpees everday! Damn Alabama and the surrounding states that do not have 7-11's!! There was not much snow. It was in the 40's most of when we were up there which is warm for Michigan. We had snow two days but it always melted the next day since it was so warm. It was weird driving around Michgan without snow on the ground. It was good for the driving part. We had no problems driving up or back to Alabama. We also went back to MSU to relive the college experience.

We had a rockin New Year. We went to Detroit again to the club we went to last year, The Bleu room experience, to see DJ Richard Vission spin. He was pretty cool! The music rocked all night. Vission has a remix of "The Killer's, Mr. Brightside" that was fun to dance to. We had a great time.

While we were there we took my little sister's to see The Chronicle's of Narnia. If you ignore all of the religious conotations it is a great movie. I enjoyed it. I have still not read the books but it is a fun story.

On the way back from the movies, a deer ran into the right side of our Jeep while I was driving. I was looking straight ahead like a good driver when Eric saw the deer coming right for us and then there was nothing I could do. Unfortuneatly the deer died, but MI police have a program where they donate the dead deer to charity so that poor people can have deer meat. It was a great idea I thought. Luckily our Jeep is a tank so it just caused some minor body damage. The headlight broke and the right panels were pushed and our right door was unable to open due to the right panel being pushed into the door. It is all fixable. I am just glad that no one was hurt since my sister's were in our car with us. Insurance is good since we only need to pay $500 of the cost! That was my first deer/car accident, so I had the ultimate Michigan activity. Michigan usually has tons of deer and this year there are more than usual and the car/deer accidents are high. That was the only negative part of our trip.

Now it is back to the grindstone. I have to go to work for 3 days in a row tomorrow, damn it!

Best of 2005: Movies I Saw

According to me (Eric).

I have to go with Serenity, because Joss Whedon is my master now. Better than Star Wars I & II certainly. Probably the best original Sci-fi movie I have seen since The Matrix. Damn Fox! DAMN THEM FOR DENYING ME MORE FIREFLY!

But Mr. & Mrs. Smith was also great (Angilina Jolie is on my five celebs I get to bang list). So was Hitch, Kingdom of Heaven, Rent, Jarhead, and Assault on Precinct 13. Even Star Wars and Batman finally turned it around this year, which given their previous track record was about as likely as Ashlee Simpson creating a song that I actually wanted to listen to.

Best of 2005: TV Shows

According to me (Eric).

* "How I Met Your Mother" is probably my favorite sitcom on right now. Any show that includes Neil Patrick Harris (DOUGIE!) and Alyson Hannigan is bound to be awesome, right? Sure it is campy and so similar to Friends that only the fact that the show revolves around 5 people instead of 6 lets to you tell them apart. Did I mention it includes NEIL PATRICK HARRIS?!?

* "The War at Home", along with the Simpsons, are the only redemable shows on Fox. Its always both funny and racy. That's all I ask people. Funny and racy. It's a simple formula really.

* "Scrubs" is still my favorite show on TV (can you tell I have a thing for sitcoms?). Sadly the fall season was put off until next year, which made me bitter. Well actually, it just contributes to me remaining bitter at least. Scrubs by itself can in no way explain my overall bitterness at the world.

* Sue and I discovered "Six Feet Under" this year, and while it was not always 100% awesome, the great moments are some of the most gripping and emotional I have ever seen on TV. Six Feet Under is one of those shows that can absolutely horrify you, give you a three second joke, and then go right back for the tragedy jugular. It's not a show to just watch anytime, but it's worth the ride.

* The Colbert Report - I actually think this show is better then the Daily Show. Yea, I said it. What are you going to do about it John Stewart? BIATCH! That's right.

Canada...F#$k Ya!

CNN.com: Group sex clubs legalized in Canada

Once again, Canada proves why it is a great place to party:) First you have the drinking age at 19. Second, strippers can get completely naked. Then you have party girls letting go like only girls who have to wear eight layers of clothes most places will. And now you can end the day in a nice private club having legal sex with a stranger? What more can you want? :)

Best quote:

"Labaye, a portly and jovial 46-year-old native of France, said swingers celebrated the Supreme Court victory with a late-night party at L'Orage."

I'll bet!

Merry Christmas From the Wilson House

Christmas in the south

Usually this time of the year we are long gone and on our way to MI for the holidays but since I decided to work we were delayed due to my schedule and we are forced to spend the actual days of Christmas down here in the south. I gotta say that the warmth and the lack of snow and the lack of a need for a coat make me a scrouge. Bah. I can not get in the Christmas mood. I was finishing up my shopping yesterday and I was walking around with no coat in the sun with temps in the 50's. This is spring weather where I am from. Damn it! I miss the snow so much. I don't get how some people can live their entire lives without having a true winter every year. I have become such a wuss up here with the lack of cold. The funny thing is that people down here put on a coat, scarf, and mittens when it is 40 or 50.

Well, Eric and I will try to make the best of Christmas being 600 miles away from our families. We have each other and that is what is important. As long as I have him, then I am happy. Plus with my job, I know things could be worse. A lot of people are very sick in the hospital for Christmas or dying or have died. I have learned that you need to make the most of your life with the ones you love. This will conclude this rant.